I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
