You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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