I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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