Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
