I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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