dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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