I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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