margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
