We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
