idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
