oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
