I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
