My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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