My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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