I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
