i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize