you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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