She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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