I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
