i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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