I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
