my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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