so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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