Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
