Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We need to rekindle our bromance
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
