you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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