Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
