Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
