By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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