He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We don't watch enough power rangers
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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