I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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