You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
