Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
