Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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