i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
