I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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