I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
