Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
