if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
