WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
