We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
