Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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