Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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