Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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