but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize