id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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