I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
