why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
