This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
