This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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