Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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