love makes seman taste better
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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