Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize