dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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