I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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