Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
