So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
