We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
